5 Months completed!

So today was my last session of counselling!
Due to circumstancing it had to end 3 sessions early but this was the right time to end!
I honestly did not think I would make it through the whole set of counselling.

From past experiences, I never had a good feeling about counselling and believed it wouldn't work. But once again I thought I'd give this counselling ago.

To begin with I found it easy, no big problems and just thought this will be like all the other sessions, nothing will happen and I'll be exactly the same.
When it got the middle of the 5 months, it was horrible. The things that were being brought up in the sessions were blowing up. It became so difficult to deal with the emotions after the sessions, I would tend to spend the next day crying. It would make me question my relationship and wonder if I was better off alone.
But by the end of it all, everything made sense, and the reason the middle was such a struggle was because the counselling was working.

So here I am today, now completed and kind of feeling a better person.
I have learnt that what happened to me was no ok. but it was not my fault.
It's ok to have emotions and feelings.
I can be the person I want to be.
I have trust issues; but that is to be expected.

I feel more confident in myself in knowing who I am and feel a bit brighter about my future.

Obviously I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life, no idea when I'll get rid of the anxiety or control it enough to work. But I have also learnt to take one step at a time.

So to treat myself today. I bought my first Pandora ring.!

This experience has taught me that I can do anything if I put my mind to it!

Random Anxiety

Hey guys, just a little rant post more than anything.

Random spouts of anxiety are the worst.  I have had no reason to have anxiety, yet here I am experiencing small bursts of it,

I had plans today. But no longer do. If I didn't have such an understanding and caring boyfriend, it would make it a lot harder.

Unfortunately I have put a bit of weight on this year. This does cause me to feel bad about my image, but I am starting to work on this and have a healthier diet,
I also have been having bad circulation in my legs, which can make wearing clothes such as jeans and leggings painful, And when this is all I pretty much own it can be hard work.
I was having leg pain this morning so  I didn't want to wear jeans. I went to put a pair of baggy trousers on, but that just made me feel 10x bigger. So I thought I'll find my stetchy leggings and just wear a black shorts over the top. Was a good idea until I found out the zip on the shorts were broken. This was the last straw for my mind, I got grumpy and upset because nothing was going right. I was meant to be going out with my mum then meeting my boyfriend, and I was worried wearing the jeans for such a long time would cause more pain.

But because my boyfriend is so nice, he told me not to worrying about meeting him today and just go home and relax.
But because I have such an anxious brain, I instantly felt guilty, and I always do when I change or cancel plans.

So you'd think, ok my day is all clear, I've got my baggy batman sweat pants on, I can chill, I got nothing to worrying about. And you're right I don't, Yet here I am with this nasty nagging panicky feeling over my body.
Unlike full blown anxiety, I can deal with this bursts of panic by distracting myself, which 9/10 times work. It just becomes so annoying that I let the anxiety win, and it still isn't happy?

I don't know if anybody else with anxiety gets like this? you think you'll let have anxiety have this day, cancel plans and just chill, your mind will be happy with that. But nope. The nope train comes along and ruins that for ya.

Oh well. writing it down has helped stop it for now. Suppose its time to distract myself for another 7/8 hours before I can go to bed!
Positive thinking aye; ha!

A challenging year

From my last post you can see I admitted to being sexually assaulted a few years back.

This one a big milestone in my life, and although now I am feeling the positive affect from this; it came with a lot of consequences. 

I want to help people who have or are going through a similar situation; but I also want to share the second part of the story, which is the aftermath of admitting what happened. 

I can honestly say the realisation "hit me" I don't remember the month in which it happened; but I remember the location and the situation clearly. 

It was my lunch break at my work. I know it was roughly spring/summer time.  I was on my phone in the staff room, scrolling through Facebook whilst eating my lunch. One of these Tumblr pictures popped up and it was about Rape. And that's when it finally hit me what happened. 

I made it through the rest of the day at work and knew I'd have to say something to my parents when I got home. 

I'm pretty certain I dropped little hints for a while before hand about what happened not being right, but I never told them the full story. And so I did. and the hardest part was telling my boyfriend. I was so worried that something like this would break us up. 

After a few tears. It was time to get more help. I went back to the doctors. I didn't tell her to begin with what happend but told her I need counselling again and need more anti depressants. 

From past experiences I know I needed an assessment before counselling which was fine. This was a few weeks later. 

In my assessment I genially thought I was okay and didn't need any help with the sexual assault; I just needed help to manage my stress. Which is what I got. I wasn't handling work, home life and other pressures well and needed something to help. I took a 6 week stress control class. But something still wasn't right. 

I wasn't over it. I needed help dealing with the assault. I was putting a strain on my relationship, I was loosing my job and I lost friends. 

This was when I realised I had big changes I needed to make. 

I left my job. I focused on the important people to build our relationships back up and I went and seeked the help I need. 

I was put on Employment Support Allowance and was given a work coach. I was also referred to a special type of counselling to help me with this situation. 

By this time my anxieties and depression was hideous and I didn't want to leave the house. The only time I left my house was for counselling or to see my boyfriend. 

I was terrified because the island was so small I'd run into him. 

Within time this fear turned into anger. Especially when I saw his car, Oh how I wanted to put a brick through his window. 

It's now been 20 weeks worth of counselling and I am still getting there. 

I still do not work. And some people see this as a failure. But to me I am sorting myself out. I have been told there is no pressure for me to work by "professionals" but I still have to explain myself to people when they ask "are you working/ any luck finding a job" It made it very hard because I didn't tell people about the assault, so I'd used to say "oh not yet/ I'm looking or I'm doing online courses" 

It has been very hard this last year. I lost friends, job and confidences. I'm still not working, still don't have "many friends" and the confidence is slowly coming back. 

To begin with I regretted admitting it, because I didn't know and sometimes still don't know how to deal with the emotions. But it's another milestone that is making me a stronger person. 

I'm slowly starting to become part of "normal society" I'm starting to adventure in town on my own, I am beginning some free online courses and plan to do work experience. 

I don't plan on being this way forever. But it is important to take time and not rush things. 

Although the consequences of admitting the truth is still happening. I believe it was the right thing for me to do. I've come to the terms on how relationships should be, I've learnt important truths and starting to find out who I am as a person. 

I hope my past post and this post will help at least one person to feel not alone. 

Thank you all for the support. x 

The Stuggles.

Sometime I forget how much I struggle when it is "S.A.D." time.

With so much going on right now with my weekly counselling/therapy, family and friends situations/struggles and just battling the bad feelings, its easy to remember the reasons why I normally give up.

I thought it would be a good idea to start a new chapter in my life, so I have signed up to an free online course studying Children Studies.
This is really good for me, and is a big step to take But I've already started to regret it. Starting it in winter, probably wasn't the best idea I have ever made. Anybody who has seasonal affective disorder knows how hard and difficult it is to do day to day tasks, let alone stuff that actually means your brain has to function!
Anybody with dyspraxia also knows that trying to keep your concentration when its just you and the computer is a challenge itself; without actually trying to focus on the subject and having information get into your brain.

I can also start to feel the pressure from people around me, asking me about the course, how I'm doing, have I done study etc.
The reason I did this online course is so that I can take my time, not rush it or have to be 100% committed to it. My whole problem at the moment is commitment.
But the pressure to feel like I should be passing this course and completing it already to do more really isn't helping.

I just seem to feel a little bummed out lately. I don't feel depressed, but I don't feel me. I wake up in the morning and just feel "ugh" I'm constantly achy and tired until like 1pm; then by 6pm I'm ready for bed again!

But I'm not going to give in. It's only December; got a long way to go before spring!

You're never alone!

Today is what I would call a "bad day".
Yesterday I had my first proper session of a specific type of counselling. I've had many counselors and many different sessions; but yesterday was the first time I ever cried.
So much got discussed yesterday, which is great and the first step to getting better. But right now I feel emotionally drained.
I spent a good hour yesterday crying about bringing up bits n bobs I've held onto for the last 3 years. Its bound to be a difficult road to recovery when you've held in so much for a long period of time.
Today although I feel less upset and no longer regret talking about everything, I still feel "ugh" I don't want to do anything, I feel almost nothing. (This lovely misty rain does not help)
I know it wont last forever and it wont be easy the next few weeks after my sessions, but this time I must be more positive about counselling.

I'm really writing this post to show and let people know that it's ok to cry. Its ok to talk about your feelings. Don't bottle things up, Don't end up like me; holding everything in so that when tiny bits slip out you feel  emotionally drained for 24 hours.
Don't ever feel alone, There is always somebody you can talk to! A friend, relative, teacher or counselor. It is so much better to get your feelings out when you have them rather than to hold them in.

If there is one thing yesterdays session taught me is that everyone's feelings are valid. No matter what you feel at any point of time in any situation your feelings that you have are okay to have. You all have reasons to have these feelings, so don't hide them, let them out:)

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Seasonal Affective Disorder is a form of depression that is at its worst in the winter time. It is also known as "winter depression" or "winter blues".
This normally begins around the autumn time and not finish until around spring time. When the clocks go back and the days become shorter is when most people start to feel their depression become worse. It has been known to affect a person more in the months of December, January and February.
The type of symptoms are the ones common with depression, low mood, feeling worthless, drained etc.
Here are some cute photos that sum seasonal affective disorder up for me :)

My Story
So I had never heard about seasonal affective disorder until about the middle of 2013. I explained to a friend of mine at that time on how I felt, with feeling low and unwell and that it seems to be this time of the year. She then explained to be about seasonal affetctive disorder and within a few days I went to the doctors and was diagnosed. I was given an anti depressant known as floroxide, but I had a bad turn with this anti depressant and it gave me insomnia, So after a week they put me on Sertraline. It was great to know what was finally wrong with me and it made so much sense. I was put on Sertraine and suggested to take between October and April time.

So it turns out I have had seasonal affective disorder since the age of 9. In school my parents always struggled to get be back to school after October half term. I was end up being unwell with constant chest infections etc, and me just refusing to go, being upset etc. It turns out this is all part of the seasonal affective disorder.

Although this all sounds "scary" and will be a life long condition, there are many ways to control it in the winter times.
I'm currently still on 200mg of Sertraline, and have been for a few months, so that it well in my system. When the clocks change and the mornings are darker I also have what they call a SAD Lamp which you can get from amazon, maplins etc. They look like this:

I will basically put this on in the front room so its directed towards my face and have it on from 20 mins to an hour. 

You can get so many different lamps like this. Another good product is a SAD alarm clock. This alarm clock will have a light that 30 mins before your alarm will start of dim and then by the time your alarm goes off this light would be bright and it is almost like a sunrise. 

Routine is also very important for me. I make sure I always get up between 7am and 8.30am (unless special occasions, unwell etc) I always make sure I have a cuppa and my breakfast so I make sure I am up and ready. If I don't do anything else that day, at least I could say I got out of bed! 

So thats seasonal affective disorder. It's not that scary as it sounds, and can be dealt with! 

Who needs to be able to talk correctly anyway?!

It's currently 9.25pm and I'm in bed writing this post.

The last few days I have noticed my speech has become awful. I am not pronouncing my words correctly, I'm muddling my sentences up or even worse I cannot speak certain words.

It is the most horrible feeling. Not being able to say the word when it's right there in your head and you just can't get it out of your mouth. It's not like you forget what the word was because you're saying it perfectly fine in your mind but you just can't speak the words.
The only way I can explain it is its like being in a nightmare trying to scream for help but no sound comes out (just less terrifying)

I have had my odd days here and now where my speech would play up and I would just laugh it off, but this has been going on for a couple of weeks. It's not an all the time occurrence, sometimes I have no problem; other days I have non stop trouble pronouncing words (like today)

It's so frustrating and embarrassing expecially in front of people that you don't know. 
I have been with my boyfriend 2 years and I would say today was one of my worst dyspraxia days. He tried to correct me and laugh it off with me like normal but this time I couldn't laugh it off and I could feel myself getting emotional and embarrassed.

I have no idea why this has just started up again.  Maybe I'm stressed? Maybe I'm not activating my mind enough? All I know is I can't wait for this to become a "odd day" occurrence again!