This one a big milestone in my life, and although now I am feeling the positive affect from this; it came with a lot of consequences.
I want to help people who have or are going through a similar situation; but I also want to share the second part of the story, which is the aftermath of admitting what happened.
I can honestly say the realisation "hit me" I don't remember the month in which it happened; but I remember the location and the situation clearly.
It was my lunch break at my work. I know it was roughly spring/summer time. I was on my phone in the staff room, scrolling through Facebook whilst eating my lunch. One of these Tumblr pictures popped up and it was about Rape. And that's when it finally hit me what happened.
I made it through the rest of the day at work and knew I'd have to say something to my parents when I got home.
I'm pretty certain I dropped little hints for a while before hand about what happened not being right, but I never told them the full story. And so I did. and the hardest part was telling my boyfriend. I was so worried that something like this would break us up.
After a few tears. It was time to get more help. I went back to the doctors. I didn't tell her to begin with what happend but told her I need counselling again and need more anti depressants.
From past experiences I know I needed an assessment before counselling which was fine. This was a few weeks later.
In my assessment I genially thought I was okay and didn't need any help with the sexual assault; I just needed help to manage my stress. Which is what I got. I wasn't handling work, home life and other pressures well and needed something to help. I took a 6 week stress control class. But something still wasn't right.
I wasn't over it. I needed help dealing with the assault. I was putting a strain on my relationship, I was loosing my job and I lost friends.
This was when I realised I had big changes I needed to make.
I left my job. I focused on the important people to build our relationships back up and I went and seeked the help I need.
I was put on Employment Support Allowance and was given a work coach. I was also referred to a special type of counselling to help me with this situation.
By this time my anxieties and depression was hideous and I didn't want to leave the house. The only time I left my house was for counselling or to see my boyfriend.
I was terrified because the island was so small I'd run into him.
Within time this fear turned into anger. Especially when I saw his car, Oh how I wanted to put a brick through his window.
It's now been 20 weeks worth of counselling and I am still getting there.
I still do not work. And some people see this as a failure. But to me I am sorting myself out. I have been told there is no pressure for me to work by "professionals" but I still have to explain myself to people when they ask "are you working/ any luck finding a job" It made it very hard because I didn't tell people about the assault, so I'd used to say "oh not yet/ I'm looking or I'm doing online courses"
It has been very hard this last year. I lost friends, job and confidences. I'm still not working, still don't have "many friends" and the confidence is slowly coming back.
To begin with I regretted admitting it, because I didn't know and sometimes still don't know how to deal with the emotions. But it's another milestone that is making me a stronger person.
I'm slowly starting to become part of "normal society" I'm starting to adventure in town on my own, I am beginning some free online courses and plan to do work experience.
I don't plan on being this way forever. But it is important to take time and not rush things.
Although the consequences of admitting the truth is still happening. I believe it was the right thing for me to do. I've come to the terms on how relationships should be, I've learnt important truths and starting to find out who I am as a person.
I hope my past post and this post will help at least one person to feel not alone.
Thank you all for the support. x
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